journal impromptu

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 05:42:14 GMT

champagne, anyone?

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 06:04:16 GMT

erm...update thingy. miss ya tons john! when are you going to come up and visit me??? heh, i guess it works both ways, huh? sometime soon ill make it down to l.a. (i hope). its such a bummer that school starts next week for me. gr. say hi to asher for me if (when) you see him.
what can i say?...things are going well. or have the potential to go well. im trying not to count my chickens before they hatch though. this past week or so has been way stressful. so much stuff going on. finals sucked, but i knew they would. and work...ugh. i just worked two double shifts two days in a row. somebody make me quit my job. no--dont. i need the money, lol. as for all the personal stuff in my life...i think ill save that for another (longer) entry. im out.

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 18:17:33 GMT

wow. so today i realized that i have one more class to go before i am officially done with my first year of college. thats just...scary. i think back to where i was a year ago, and i realize that not much has changed, except that i know a little more about myself than i did before. i didnt go crazy this year, or let loose, or have the "normal" college experience (aka party four nights a week and hook up unabashedly). im not sure if i regret that or not. i know i wish i had met more people this year, but i dont think i could have handled dorm life. been there, done that. i love my apartment and my roomie; she's the best flatmate a girl could ask for.
so this leaves me...where? actually, im not really done with skool (ye-ah skool, lol), summer classes start on the twentieth. im actually kind of excited about them, cuz i get to take some classes that i wasnt able to get into during the regular quarters.

things to look forward to over the next year:
1. going to try hard core to get a tan this summer
2. summer school (im probably the only person on the face of the planet looking forward to it! lol)
3. road trip (?)
4. hawai'i (?)
5. camping and fishing
6. y and g in the fall!
7. mun in the spring!
8. study abroad (?) gonna need mucho $$$ for this
9. buying a puppy!
10. being half way done with college
11. new york again next spring (?) rach, ill visit you someday
12. learn how to drive stick and ride a motorcycle
13. other things i know im forgetting or im too lazy to write down

^.^

home is where the heart is...

Sat, 08 May 2004 09:38:50 GMT

hm...so ive found that once again things never go quite as i plan them to. youd think id be used to it by now, huh? my car is getting fixed tomorrow, which is a very, very good thing, but the price i pay for that is coming back to the valley (where i grew up, and where my car is getting fixed). not that it isnt a charming place, and not that i dont love my friends from back in the day, but for some reason i find myself wishing really hard that i was back at my apt, in my own bed, on my own computer, eating my own food. god, ive only been gone for like...six hours. pathetic. i guess i really am just a creature addicted to routine, and not the carefree soul i always thought i was.

maybe, if im lucky, ill be able to encompass a little bit of both.

as it is, my friend is snoring, and thus i cant sleep, and i wish i was HOME. what a sad whiner ive become. next update will be a happy one, i promise, for my sake just as much as the few people who might chance to read this.

Sun, 02 May 2004 00:54:38 GMT

i got the call, but it didnt make things any better.

somebody save me

Sat, 01 May 2004 04:20:34 GMT

so things have been strange lately. like me sitting (alone) at my parent's house at nine oclock on a FRIDAY NIGHT. what the hell am i doing here (alone)? i cant even get back to sb, cuz i hitched a ride here with my mom. i thought i was going to see my friend who is back from the air force, but i cant get in touch with him or anyone else who would know where he is. maybe he doesnt want to see me. great. peachy. god, get me out of here.
this past week or so has been very trying. still getting over this dumb cold. fell in love. fell out of it again in a big way. feeling worthless and alone because he hasnt called me. doesnt want to call me? didnt go to l.a. this weekend cuz i came here, but here is a total bust, making me wish more than anything else that i was with my other friends down south. i fucked this up, as usual. and the only thing that could possibly make it better (besides getting that phone call) would be to be back at my apt, curled up in bed, with some ice cream, some chocolate, and a whole lotta johnny depp. which i cant have, cuz im here. here sucks.

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 06:21:04 GMT

I say the right things
But act the wrong way
I like it right here
But I cannot stay
I watched the TV
Forget what I'm told
I am too young
And they are too old
I'll make it you see
I'm ever so pleased
Pretend to be nice
So I can be mean
I missed the last bus
I'll take the next train
I try, but you see
It's hard to explain

wow...itz been years since ive listened to the strokes...thank you bay bay for introducing me to good music so long ago...

tempting...

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 04:14:24 GMT

"i want something to die for to make it beautiful to live."
"go with the flow", qotsa

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 05:42:19 GMT

When I feel loved, baby,
I join the road
And the world moves with me
When I feel lost I just slip away
Silently, quietly take my things and run
And think what's the point,
think where's the hope when coming home

If you won't let me fall for you
Then you won't see the best that
I would love to do for you
Instead you will be missing me when I go
Cause I'm bored of hangin out,
in your cold

i feel loved

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 02:58:07 GMT

i feel loved. very alone, but very loved.

within

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 05:19:14 GMT

so i had this dream last night that told me a lot about myself. there was this person, THE person, the "(k)night of my life, the stealer of my breath, the humble dwelling of my desires," and finally i HAD him. but then all these images started flashing in front of me, images of things i had forgotten, or pushed away as a form of protection. i was so scared of what i saw...in my dream i ran away, even though i wanted IT, and HIM, so badly that thinking about it makes it hurt to breathe. when i woke up i realized that the dream felt more real than reality, and that even though it hurt me i didnt want to part from it...

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 00:20:34 GMT

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 01:28:27 GMT

the spell has broken. thank goodness. im tired of/from being angry. i hope i dont have to deal with shit like that again. im going to make sure i dont have to.
peace out.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 18:17:46 GMT

im on a role with this whole angry thing...doesnt happen very often. maybe that is a good thing. to r.t.::: at the risk of sounding painfully obvious and probably intolerably sarcastic, i do have a life outside of y&g. take care to remember that, and try to realize almost nothing i write about has anything to do with you. although, now that i think about it, some of the critera from my other post does apply to you...hm. interesting. but that doesnt change the facts, so dont get your shorts in a knot.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 16:27:39 GMT

hello? havent you heard of pseudonyms? take that as a damn clue, it is pretty obvious what im talking about if you are the right person. this is ridiculous.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 05:56:37 GMT

a message:
the world, MY world, does NOT revolve around you.
sometimes things dont work out, and
there is NOT always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

so take it like a man, will you? stop this stupid petty shit, this childish "im going to pretend you dont exist cuz my pride is hurt" shit. cuz i dont have the patience for you or for it if this continues. as a friend or anything else. you are digging your own hole with me, and i refuse to be blamed for your pain and your anger. YOU are the manager of your OWN life, not mine. and i may not be perfect, and i make mistakes all the time, but the one thing i dont do is give people false hope. im sure it was something i cant even fathom on my xanga that set you off, and i motion for you to look at the first sentence in this entry. when i use a blanket statement like ''my weekend was shit'' dont automatically assume it was about you. im sure your friends are feeding you bullshit about me, dripping poison in your ear against me, but you know what? let them. because it is only your weakness that is showing through, not mine. your friends dont know me. YOU dont know me. so how dare you pass judgement on my actions? and then take action against me! this just drives home that much harder how right my decision was. you are an ADULT. act like one, and possibly redeem yourself. or stay a shmuck. i cant control your decision, but i know which one would make everyone happier.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 10:03:40 GMT

there was only one person i ever knew who could really make art. the rest were (are still) just flies on the wall, producers and consumers of decaying ideas and half dead talent. half dead talent that they somehow thought could be motivated to move at the same pace as an athlete. full fledged and multiplying illusions feed their lacking and bolster it to the ultimate finish of another round of cue-carded applause.

it would be nice to step away from the window, and join the beasts around the kill. to feed on the flesh of success at its freshest, not hover behind the mind's eye, ever watchful, ever starving.

i want something else. anything else but this dreary southern california non-hospitality. this superficial carnival where everyone poses and everyone laughs but nobody means it. the mouth smiles while the eyes calculate. i am much the same, but different as well, ever different. it is the contempt that separates me. i seem to only be able to see the facet of the truth that sneers. i crave someone or something to just show me what i want, because i dont know what it is, but i know i wont find it here. never here.

i have no illusions anymore.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 09:57:04 GMT

This is just some stuff from my english class that stuck with me...itz not poetry, precisely (but it sounds best if you read it like poetry)...but itz something.

It's like you're twisting and falling, overcome. Your heart stops skips a beat, starts again, falters. Your breath becomes weak, is replaced, dies. The pressure around you is so great your skin begins to split, and nothing no nothing can keep out the surge of the water around you. Eventually, the calamity in your mind is stilled, and you drift away, a piece of nothing that was everything, alone for the first time.

Sister, that is what it feels like to have your heart broken.

whatja think? does it even make you think? do you care enough to wonder where it came from? i can tell you that it made me think. a lot. a lot. a lot.

but actually, maybe this is fruitless, cuz most of my subscribees that i know about are male (strange, that), and this might not have the same impact as such. care to prove me wrong? im in a challenging (not challenged, lol) mood. ta ta

Sun, 01 Feb 2004 06:41:11 GMT

i have nothing to write...just want to see what this will look like.

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	adacia8
Your haiku:	the wall producers and consumers of decaying ideas and half dead
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Created by Grahame